Ok, so since my gallbladder surgery I have learned and remembered a few things about myself:
***sexual abuse reference in this post***
1. Oh yeah, I am a food addict and binge eater. Great.
2. The less I can exercise, the more I want to eat.
3. Every successful journey towards health I have ever taken has started with a workout.
4. I am DONE with not exercising.
5. Chocolate is my strongest eating trigger.
I ate too much today. I have been eating quite a bit since I got home..and at first I figured it was because I was so effing hungry, because the last few weeks before surgery I could hardly eat. But, then I started to eat fattier food.. then I started to wake up bloated. I’ve been down this road. THIS is the road back to 300 lbs. It’s 180 lbs away, but it’s as good as tomorrow if I continue down this road. When I start to eat chocolate, I want it every damn day.. and there is NEVER enough chocolate to eat. And then I want to eat other foods.. it’s a ridiculous and destructive cycle. I’ve learned that the root cause has to do with sexual and physical abuse that I went through as a child and being raped as a teenager, but knowing that doesn’t change fuck all. I am responsible for my body. It’s what I am left with, and what I have to work with. I am stressed about a lot of things right now.. but eating never solved a damn one of them. Just makes everything worse.
So, back to basics until I get it under control. Accountability, loading up on nutrient rich foods, workouts (not too hard since I am still recovering), cutting out the chocolate. As soon as I get the money for it, I will get my precious Shakeology. Also, I can’t wait to get some aloe.. but I am on a VERY limited budget at the moment and will have to make it work. I have enough Shakeology for a couple of weeks to a few weeks, but I want to wait until the support group starts on May 5th to take it I drink water no matter what, but I am going to double my water intake and throw some spirulina in it a couple times a day. I will bore all of you to death and track the high level stuff here.
I know that the “I screwed up” posts aren’t very popular, but this is my reality and I have to pull myself back up, because there is not a person on Earth who can do it for me, and nobody cares when you’re failing. I’m better than this, and I am worth more than this. Please let me believe that.